I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Siri, fight Alexa.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.