Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We will wed,” I threatened

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

See..?

.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?