Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

much to think about

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Candles never taste the way they smell

man: wait

time: no

I’m not proud

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

🐦

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

i love meeting boys on tinder

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.