I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
You Might Also Like
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.