Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

always be there

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Weirdly Wednesday.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Be vigilant

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.