Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

It’s the weekend y’all

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date