Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag