I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”