I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
You Might Also Like
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
every college guy’s fridge
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
aura
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.