Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.