Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

No thanks, toilets that flush.

-kids

#parenting

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.