Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

😂😂

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs