I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.