Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Another day, another…goddammit

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

FINE, I WON’T.