I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.