I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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We all have our pet causes.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??