I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake