Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”