I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You Might Also Like
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning