I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
You Might Also Like
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired