I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’d take a bullet for you.
No, not one that’s been shot from a gun. Before that.
I’d steal it and run like hell.
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.
Calm down and plan that shit first.
*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now