the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
OH. COME. ON.