@UnFitz

I’d take a bullet for you.

No, not one that’s been shot from a gun. Before that.

I’d steal it and run like hell.

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@Diversion50

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

@PaperWash

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

@AimeeHelene1

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.

@Tommassh

*looks through telescope*
*telescope thinks you’re looking at him and waves*
*you wave at Jupiter behind*
*telescope awkwardly lowers hand*

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

@DillDoes

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now