I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching