Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.