I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
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HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May