“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.