“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Candles never taste the way they smell
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
He wanted to make sure😂
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me