“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Don’t snitch tag.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.