Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

ㅤㅤ

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.