Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

every single time

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume