I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
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like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel