Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Breaking news:

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.