Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.