I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
If my kids invented a drink.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide