“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My dog learned how to text
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there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?