“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You Might Also Like
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.