Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”

Oh dear you thought wrong.

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Doormats are a gateway rug.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.