“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.