“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“Why you watching this shit?”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
getting old is fun
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning