Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball