I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
that de-escalated quickly
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd