@gazg74

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

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@willwilkinson

Why is it “kill baby Hitler” rather than “make Hitler’s mom fall in love with YOU” or “kidnap Hitler’s grandpa and strand him in Nepal just before he meets Hitler’s grandma”? People lacking in imagination should not have time machines.

@Nomyzie

We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.

@RandiLawson

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

@autocorrects

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

@samuelhlowe

– Do you want to have sex?
– Don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?
– Do……you……want……to……have……sex?

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@dyldonot

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@AndyAsAdjective

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.