Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

being a writer on Twitter:

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…