I’d use my best pan on you.
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[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
finally found a reasonable question
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.