I’d use my best pan on you.
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Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I feel seen
Venn
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
☠️ ☠️
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?