@avainwordland

I’d use my best pan on you.

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@BriarSly

Question: If a King runs a Kingdom…& an Emperor runs an Empire…

Who runs a country?

@Madame_Royale

I’m in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they’re both on their way to tell my husbands.

@Elephart

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

@barryjohnharper

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

@awkwardphilippe

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@tastefactory

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.