Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!
I’d use my best pan on you.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me: to what?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue