I’d use my best pan on you.
You Might Also Like
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats