@avainwordland

I’d use my best pan on you.

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@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@chuuew

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

@panmidwest

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue