I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I am never leaving this website
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up