I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You Might Also Like
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
No regrets in 2018
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.