Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

I hope Alan is OK

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

*Inspirational Tweets*

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*