I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Leaving the Barbers like
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Bruh 😂
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.