I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.