I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that