I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Always the camel, never the toe.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast