I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.