I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.