A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff