Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
This made me smile…
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS