Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

23. the denim jacket

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?