Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
and now we wait
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.