Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

This is a genius move

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!