Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

#dnd #ttrpg

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

all bases covered

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”