Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Happy Friday

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

I hate my earbuds.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd