Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair