Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Erm…

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no