idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
A family that plays together cheats.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys