idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You Might Also Like
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Realize this:
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.