idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
good for her
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.