Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*