Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

What an awful time to have common sense.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.