Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Genius idea!!

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy