Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy