Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

This was my dad’s browser history.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies