[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.